


A Home for the Shadows

by foreverfelicityqueen (stydiasredstring)



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: 5x17 arrow, Angst, Episode Related, F/M, I promise it's good, spoilers duh, susan is only in one part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 13:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10412850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stydiasredstring/pseuds/foreverfelicityqueen
Summary: Oliver doesn't just feel defeated by Chase, he's lost to himself. But even the darkest things must find their way home.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. I was in pain, and then I wrote this. So I'm still in pain. But like at least I can share it.   
> Also this is a continuation fic of episode 5x17. So if you didn't watch it, and you don't like spoilers, maybe come back later.

He knew what he had to do. John wanted to talk, he wanted him to open up and explain his reasoning. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t be down there anymore. Not when the hood and the bow called to him to continue. He barely looked at any of them as he went to change. Only Felicity’s eyes followed him, her silence a comfort that he didn’t deserve. He didn’t deserve anyone or anything. Not anymore.

It took him longer than he would have like, but once he finished dressing he headed out through the garage. But to his surprise Felicity’s car was already gone, and the burn across his Bratva tattoo flared up under his shirt. But he had to shake it off. Felicity deserved better than him in her life. Everyone did. And he’d make sure they got that.

He knocked on the apartment door, using the frame to hold him up. Chase had done a number on him, and he knew he should go and rest. But he wasn’t ready yet. 

As Susan opened the door she let out a faint gasp. “Oliver, holy crap, what happened to you? Where have you been?” 

“There’s a long story and a shorter one. But let’s just say that Chase and I had a long talk over the last few days.”

“Oliver you’ve been gone almost a week,” she said as she reached out for his arm. “What did he do to you?”

But he pulled back. He couldn’t be close to people. Not ever again. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Come inside.”

“I can’t,” he shook his head. “And I won’t. Because you didn’t ask for this Susan. It wasn’t fair for me to start something with you. It wasn’t fair to ask you to keep my secrets. And you deserve to be with someone who wants to be happy with you. And I’m not the kind of person who can do that.”

“What are you saying?”

But they both already knew what his words meant. “You’re a good person, and a good reporter. I hope that means you’ll do great things with your future. But we both know I can’t be apart of that. I’m sorry.”

She gave him a solemn nod, as she stood up straighter. “So this is it? Goodbye forever?”

“I think it’s best,” he said wincing as he pushed off the door. “Bye Susan.”

He was a few steps away before she spoke again. “Whatever he did, whatever he said, don’t let it push away everyone who cares about you.”

He didn’t reply. There was nothing left to be said. It was best to let that chapter close and let Susan move on from him before he poisoned her anymore than he already had.

He spent an hour or so walking around Star City, the buildings and the destruction flooding in and out of his mind. He remembered every inch of these streets. Every spot that he took a life, and let that small rush fuel him until the next one. Because Oliver didn’t need the Lazarus Pit to give him a blood lust. Those five years took care of it for him.  But that also meant he didn’t have a magical flower that could get rid of it either. He had to live with it, every day. And now that he’d admitted it he wasn’t sure what should come next.

It took him awhile to realize where he’d ended up. It wasn’t until his feet scuffed across the dusting dance floor that he really too notice. Verdant. The Foundry. The place where he had let it all start here. The place where he let his darkness start infecting the people he claimed to love. 

The door to the basement was propped open, the high heeled prints in the dust told him exactly who was there.

“I figured you’d end up here sooner or later,” Felicity said from the swivel chair still in place in front of the metal desk. “Granted if it was sooner I’d have saved you some fries.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Well I have this friend who is almost always hard on himself when he suffers a setback,” she teased gesturing for him to sit in the other open chair. “And when he goes off after dramatic declarations it's usually a sign that he needs to talk.”

“It wasn’t a dramatic declaration, I’m done.”

“Oliver I don’t know what happened with Chase, but you can’t let him win. Not like this.”

“I’m not,” he skipped past the chair, instead settling against the cool work bench. “I just can’t beat him like that. I can’t get to him as the Green Arrow.”

“What aren’t you saying Oliver?”

“You told me once, that my darkness was a schism. That I was at war with two parts of myself,” he sighed, running a hand across his face. “And I didn’t want you to be right. I wanted to believe that the Hood, the Arrow, even the Green Arrow, was a different guy. That if I gave that part of me another name, that was how I would conquer my demons. Because that wasn’t Oliver Queen… But it was, it is me. There’s not two people battling for control, Felicity. It’s just me. I’m the one who killed all those people. And I’m the one who has to live with how it made me feel.”

He could feel the heat burning in his eyes, and the searing pain in his chest. Between all the bruises and scars over the years, nothing would stick with him longer than the truth he had to face.

She stood up, moving across the space until she was in front of him. “So what?”

“Excuse me?”

“Oliver I know you’re not perfect. Hell, none of us are. But to let Chase destroy every bit of good you’ve done because of--”

“I created the Hood so I could kill without feeling guilty. Because that’s who I am. It always has been. I’m not a hero Felicity. I’m not one of the good guys. And because of me, John and Thea, and you, you’ve all had to do things, terrible things. And I can’t destroy anyone else. So I’m done. And I want this all to be done.”

“Oliver look around you,” she moved again, placing her hands on his arms. “Tell me what you see.”

“I see the place that Roy gave up his freedom for.”

“I’m serious, what do you?”

He turned his head, catching sight of Sara’s old mask sitting near the glass cases, a red tipped arrow wedged between the floor and the leg of a shelf to keep it stable, the extra case they brought in for Barry’s suit. 

“Oliver every one of us came to this team with our own darkness. We all had our own demons long before we met you,” she moved her hand and laid it gently to his cheek. “You didn’t infect us, you gave us a way to channel the darkness. Maybe we haven’t always done it the right way. But John and I knew the kind of person you were when we started this. We didn’t have any illusions about  the man we were working with, but we did it anyway.”

“Felicity, you don’t get it.”

“You think you can’t be a hero because you started this for the wrong reasons. Because the hood and the mask gave you a way to absolve your sins, without really claiming them. So own it. Stop shoving that part of you into a hole and fix this,” she pointing to his heart. “Because nothing else is going to come easier until you do.”

“What if I can’t.”

“You can,” she insisted, giving him a weak smile. “And I should know. I’m never wrong when it comes to you.”

He met her eyes, and it was like every nerve ending was on high alert. Felicity was close enough to touch, her hand was still on his cheek. But he he still didn’t feel like he deserved it, and he certainly didn’t deserve her.

“I think I need to be alone for a bit.”

“I’m not falling for that,” she said, taking a step back. “See I know you Oliver, and I know the second I leave you’re going to crawl back into yourself. Because that’s what you do. So instead, John will be here in a couple minutes and the three of us are going to talk. We can talk about anything and everything. But none of us are leaving until you understand that none of us are leave. Got it?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really no,” she gave him a smirk and he almost returned it. But he wasn’t ready for that. 

But he could try. “How did you know I’d come here first?”

“Like I said, we all had darkness before where joined you Oliver, but this is where we all gave it a direction. It’s where we gave it a home.”

He nodded, wanting to ask her about whatever things she was getting involved with now. But the sound of Digg at the top of the stairs drew both their gazes up. He had time to ask her later. He just didn’t know if she’d answer him honestly. And he wasn’t sure he would deserve the truth either way. But he’d try. He’d always try. 


End file.
